Affected Persons - Loved Ones
Sometimes those close to the problem drinker unwittingly help them to continue problem drinking.
Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
Enabling creates an atmosphere in which the problem drinker can comfortably continue their unacceptable behaviour.
Here are a few points which determine the amount of unwitting enabling one may be involved in:
- Calling in “sick” for a drinker, covering up and lying about their symptoms.
- Accepted part of the blame for another persons drinking or resultant embarrassing behaviour.
- Making excuses for the drinkers behaviour.
- Fear of the response if confronting the drinker about their drinking.
- Bailing the drinker out of Garda custody or paying for their legal fees.
- Paying bills that the drinker was supposed to have paid themselves.
- Regularly funding the drinkers drinking.
- Joining them in drinking hoping to strengthen the relationship or control their intake.
- Constantly giving the drinker “one more chance”.
- Threatening to abandon them and not carrying it through.
- Covering up for the drinker in social and professional areas hiding the true extent of their drinking.
- The problem drinking is kept a secret within the family
If these points ring true it is important that you look at your unwitting part in the problem. Problem drinkers tend to avoid their own responsibilities. By covering up you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become psychologically effected by the problem drinker yourself.
As long as the problem drinker has their enabling devices in place, it is easy for them to continue to deny the problem. Most of the problems are being “solved” by those around them. Only when forced to face the consequences of their own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep the problem really is. Rather than “helping” the problem drinker, you may actually be making it easier for them to get worse.
However, it’s not your fault and remember you’re not alone